It Starts With Us: A Hard Conversation Between Men

Last month my wife asked me why I haven’t written about violence against women in Australia as it had been so topical and something we discuss at home.

That question made me pause.

It wasn't because I didn’t care. I care deeply. But because, honestly, I didn’t think I was part of the problem. I thought the issue belonged to other men, the ones who cross lines, the ones who do harm. I didn’t see myself in that story.

But the more I sat with it, the more I realised how narrow that view was. Sure, I can probably pick a few of the more obvious types. But most abusers, especially emotional abusers, don’t stand out. They look and act like regular blokes. They’re your coworker. Your bus driver. Your rugby teammate. A guy you ride with now and then.

And that’s an important point. This isn’t an issue we can identify by gut feel or surface judgment. It’s a subject that needs to be consciously and actively discussed. Because unless we bring it into the open, unless we talk about it openly and often, it keeps hiding in plain sight.

I see now that we, as a male collective, need to own this issue, not as guilt, but as responsibility. As a brotherhood.

As I mentioned it wasn't because I dont care. I care deeply. But because I wasn’t sure how to say what needed to be said without sounding preachy or like I was pointing fingers. Especially to other men, the kind of men I write for.

But here’s what I’ve come to....

If we don’t talk about this as men, nothing shifts. If we stay quiet, stay comfortable, keep telling ourselves "that’s not me," then we’re just another part of the silence that protects the problem and I’ve had enough of that.

Violence....physical, emotional, psychological....isn’t just about bruises and broken bones. It’s about fear. It’s about control. It’s about subtle, daily erosion of another person’s sense of self. And that doesn’t always make it into the police reports or news headlines, but it lives in people’s bodies and minds for a lifetime.

And yes men are the grossly disproportionate perpetrators of physical violence. Emotional violence, however, is also significant and often not recognised. We all know how easy it is to fall into using emotional tactics.... sarcasm, Silence, withdrawal, control....all without realising you’re crossing a line.

We need to talk about all of it.

Emotional Violence: The Quiet Poison

We often think of violence as loud. As something that explodes.

But the truth is, it usually starts quiet:

• Jealousy packaged as love
• Criticism disguised as concern
• Isolation framed as protection
• Gaslighting delivered with a smile
• Control that looks like care

These are the things that leave no bruises but they bleed people dry.

And it’s not just women who suffer it. Men can and do get emotionally abused too. But let’s be clear: the dynamics, the consequences, and the fallout often land harder on women because of how our culture is built. That doesn’t make the pain less valid for men, it just means we need to hold space for both truths without needing to compete.

The Echo Into the Next Generation

If you’re a father, a mate, an uncle, a coach.....this matters.

Because our kids are watching....Closely....and what they see in us becomes the blueprint they carry into their own relationships, their own conflicts, their own homes.

Boys who grow up seeing emotional shutdowns, harsh control, or aggressive correction often carry that same blueprint into manhood. And we wonder why teenage boys resort to violence so quickly.

I’ve seen it up close, how boys square up in the schoolyard not because they’re tough, but because they’ve been taught that might makes right. That emotion is weakness. That being challenged is the same as being disrespected.

We raise boys to be dominant, then act surprised when they dominate. We withhold emotional literacy and then ask why they lash out.

At the same time, we raise girls to protect harmony at their own expense. To stay quiet, keep the peace, not rock the boat. To believe that love sometimes hurts.

That should gut us.

So ask yourself this.... What kind of man do I want my sons to become? What kind of love do I want my daughters to expect? What kind of standard am I quietly setting in my own home?

Because ive mentioned many times in previous blogs....

fatherhood isn’t just about showing up. It’s about showing how.

What We Can Do

And let’s be clear, this isn’t about raising boys who can’t defend themselves. There’s a world of difference between teaching a boy how to stand strong, protect those he loves, and navigate real world dangers versus teaching him that force equals power, or that control equals safety.

One comes from responsibility. The other, from fear.

We don’t need less strength.....we need rightly directed strength. Strength that protects, not dominates. That holds boundaries without shutting others down. That responds without seeking control. That knows when to stand up and when to stand back.

If we can teach our sons the difference, we break the cycle.

Because knowing how to defend your family isn’t the same as believing you need to control them.

This isn’t about guilt. Guilt is useless on its own.

This is about responsibility.

As men, we can:

• Call out the subtle digs and the cruel jokes when they show up
• Reflect on our own pasts.....have I ever used control or withdrawal as a weapon?
• Ask the women in our lives what safety feels like to them
• Stop excusing the mate who always goes too far or bags out his partner
• Show our boys how to be emotionally literate, not emotionally repressed
• Teach our girls they never have to trade dignity for affection

It’s not complicated. But it does take backbone.

We can’t just say we’re the good guys. We have to show it, in uncomfortable conversations, in our relationships, in the way we hold ourselves and each other to account.

A Quiet Thanks

To my strong and brave tiger of a wife.....thank you for the hard question. You always hold up a mirror without shattering me.

To my fellow men reading this.....this isn’t a callout. It’s an invitation. To be better. To build better. To stop pretending this is someone else’s fight.

Because the truth is, it starts with us.

And the standard we walk past is the standard we accept.