Ego, Trust, and the Uneasy Art of Partnership

There was a time when I thought being right was the same as being strong. That if I had the answers, the plan, the logic then I was leading. Especially in my first marriage. I wasn’t cruel. I wasn’t careless. But I was certain. Certain that my opinion was the one that mattered. Certain that my way was the right way. I listened, sure, but mostly just waited for my turn to talk. My ego needed the wheel, and I let it drive.

The strange thing was, that mindset served me well at work. Confidence got results. Quick thinking got respect. But at home? That same energy built walls instead of bridges. It drowned out the voices that should have mattered most. I was steering the ship, but I’d forgotten I wasn’t the only one on board.

When that marriage ended, it hurt. But not just because of the what i'd done - it hurt because I had to face hard truths about myself and the pattern was part of that reflection. I realised I’d created a relationship with only one seat at the wheel.

My now-wife….She’s fierce. Clear. Grounded. And not one to quietly fall in line. She challenged me. Stood her ground. Expected to be heard. And at first, I took that as a threat. It felt like she was trying to take control. But over time, I saw it for what it really was…..she wasn’t trying to dominate. She was refusing to disappear.

That’s when the penny dropped. Maturity in a relationship isn’t about being in front…it’s about knowing when to lead and when to let go. When to speak and when to listen. When to step up and when to step back.

Learning that cost me. Pride. Certainty. That feeling of always knowing best. But in its place, I found something better: partnership. A relationship where we both carry the load. Where I can lean into her strength without losing my own. Where we fight, sure, often like two bulls in a paddock - but we fight with respect, and we move forward.

I’m lucky. I found a relationship that both fits and challenges me. It’s not perfect….but it’s real. And we both work at it.

But I know not everyone’s in that kind of situation.

Some of you are in relationships where connection feels one-sided. Where kindness is rare. Maybe your vulnerability gets met with silence, or worse, used against you. That’s not partnership. That’s imbalance. And if you’re the one causing that - whether by control, criticism, or shutting down - know this....people don’t pull away because they stop caring. Often, they pull away to survive.

Sometimes, no matter how much you try, you can’t carry connection on your own. And that’s a hard truth. Not every relationship can be saved. Not everyone wants to meet you in the middle. Growth only happens when both people are willing.

If you’re in a space where you’re constantly criticised, dismissed, or made to feel small - that’s not love working itself out. That’s harm. And it’s okay to name that. It’s okay to want more.

And if you’ve been the one dishing it out - whether out of fear, anger, or habit - then it’s time to look inward. If someone left you, maybe it wasn’t betrayal. Maybe it was self-preservation.

And here’s the truth: real presence doesn’t mean dominance. It means showing up. Fully. Calmly. Owning your values without needing to crush your partners.

Some women are strong. So be strong back - not to overpower, but to meet. Balance isn’t about power. It’s about presence. It’s knowing when to hold the line, and when to soften. That’s maturity. That’s masculinity done right.

Our early days were full of friction. We didn’t always get it right. But over time, we found rhythm. We figured out who leads when. We learned each others strength and weaknesses. We learned how to disagree without destroying each other. And we’re still learning.

Now our boys get to witness it. A mum who’s fierce and fair. A dad who doesn’t have to dominate to matter. They see us argue, resolve, apologise. They see respect lived out loud. And that’s gold.

Forget the scoreboard. Marriage isn’t about who does more. It’s about who shows up. Who shares the load. Who tells the truth. Who builds the bridge when things get hard.

Its also not about 50/50 splits or perfect fairness. It’s about shared strength. Mutual respect. Equal commitment to the hard stuff.

And sometimes? Sometimes, it doesn’t work. Not because you didn’t try, but because you were the only one trying. If you’re in something that’s breaking you, where your worth is questioned, your voice dismissed, your love unreturned….then maybe the strongest thing you can do is leave. Not out of anger. But clarity.

I found a relationship that works….one that demands growth and gives space. But that took work. Reflection. Courage. And it started when I stopped needing to be right, and started wanting to be whole - as a couple.

So whether you’re the bloke trying to hold it all together, or the one quietly wondering if you’ve already let it all go - ask yourself - Am I showing up with ego or with trust?

Because only one of those builds something worth staying for.

That’s partnership. That’s growth. That’s living true.

Heres a few great books ive read over the years so if any of the above hits home and you want to dive deeper into building strong, conscious partnerships:

• The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida - for learning how real masculine presence isn’t about dominance, but direction. That said, the book can be a bit out there at times. Some parts feel overly generalised or even a little silly. Still, the core ideas are solid and worth thinking about. If the writing style isn’t your thing, you might just want to look up a summary or key takeaways online instead.
• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover - for unpacking the danger of passive appeasement and reclaiming honest, assertive masculinity.
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson - for understanding how emotional safety, not control, creates lasting connection. Good book for both yourself and your partner and definitely worth a read.